What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Some of us will have had less than idyllic childhoods, e.g. abuse, trauma, alcoholic parents, bullying or parental separation. But sometimes the issue is what was not provided, rather than anything that happened. This is known as childhood emotional neglect and affects how we live as adults. Counselling for childhood emotional neglect helps us learn how to deal with the consequences.

Imagine a young child after a close relative has died. The well-meaning adults around the child may try to shield them as they believe the child is too young to experience such suffering. They believe it’s best not to talk about it.

But this poor child is suffering as grandma is no longer coming around but they don’t know why and they feel really sad about it. No one is talking to the child about it, plus they are hiding how they are feeling to put a brave face on ‘for the children’. But the child does feel something, but no one is explaining or talking about it. Or worse, the child doesn’t feel like their emotions are valid because they feel sad and confused but no one else says they are too. So the child begins to think there must be something wrong with them. Why do they feel bad but no one else does? They get the message that they shouldn’t feel that way.

Or perhaps a favourite toy gets broken and isn’t replaced and they are told to stop crying. Again the child has emotions which are not being allowed to come out. So they feel as if they shouldn’t have the feelings, as if there is something wrong with having them.

Adults with Issues from Childhood

So the child learns to bury their emotions as they’re not seen as welcome. But when emotions are not allowed to be expressed they don’t go away. Instead they get stronger, ready to burst out at an inopportune moment. It’s as if they go down into the basement and build up strength.

As adults these feelings are still there but buried, leaving us struggling but unable to see why, and without the skills to help resolve it. Maybe we are viewed as not expressive or lacking in warmth or uncaring, or even prone to outbursts such as anger or addictions or disordered eating.

The problem isn’t only childhood emotional neglect though. It could also be abuse, bullying, traumatic events such as parental separation or a bereavement, or being in care.

Counselling for Childhood Emotional Neglect and Trauma

Working with childhood emotional neglect or trauma does not require delving down into painful childhood memories. You don’t need to relive it. It’s more about understanding why we act and feel the way we do, so that we find more helpful ways of living. It might help us see why we have a problem, often the first step to uncovering what to do about it.

• This article provides more information on this area; https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202001/9-signs-childhood-emotional-neglect.
• This video also provides a useful overview of it;
  What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

‘Inner child’ work can sometimes be useful here. This has two components. Firstly, thinking about what you really needed as a child when the event happened. Secondly, looking at what you need now to help live your life. It’s not pretending to be a child again or doing something false, instead it’s:

• Learning to acknowledge what happened,
• Seeing the impacts,
• Learning to work with the consequences of the impacts.