Childhood Issues

Some of us will have had less than idyllic childhoods, perhaps with abuse, alcoholic parents, bullying or parental separation. But sometimes the issues are what was not provided, rather than anything that might have happened.

Imagine the situation of a young child where a close relative has died. Often the well-meaning adults around them shield the child from the pain they are experiencing as they believe the child is too young to experience such suffering. They believe it’s best not to talk about it.

But this poor child is suffering as grandma is no longer coming around but they don’t know why and they feel really sad about it. But no one is talking to the child about it plus they are hiding how they are feeling to put a brave face on ‘for the children’. But this poor child is in the situation where they do feel something, but no one will explain or talk about it. Or worse, the child doesn’t feel like their emotions are valid because they feel sad and confused but no one else will say that they are too. So the child then begins to think that there must be something wrong with them because they feel bad but no one else does, or they get the message that they shouldn’t feel that way.

Or perhaps a favourite toy gets broken and isn’t replaced or they are told to stop crying. Again the child has emotions which are not being allowed to come out, so they feel as if they shouldn’t have the feelings, as if there is something wrong with having them.

So the child learns to bury their emotions as they’re not seen as welcome. When emotions are not allowed to be expressed they don’t go away. It’s as if they go down into the basement and build up strength, ready to burst out at an inopportune moment.

As adults these feelings are still there but are buried, leaving us struggling but unable to see why and without the skills to help resolve it. We might be perceived as not being expressive or lacking in warmth or uncaring, or even prone to outbursts such as anger or addictions or disordered eating.

Counselling does not need us to delve down into painful childhood memories. Instead it can help at the level of understanding why we act and feel the way we do, so that we find more helpful ways of living. It might help us see why we have a problem, often the first step to uncovering what to do about it.

• This article provides more information on this area; https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202001/9-signs-childhood-emotional-neglect.